Resolve

Someone asked me what my New Year's resolution was going to be.  I said, "I don't do those."  You have to know what you want before you can resolve to try and get there right?

42 and still I seem to ONLY want the things that are just not possible for me.  Not possible because of the way I laid out my life in the past.  Not possible because of who I am, because ... just because.

Most days Im pretty accepting.  Just spend my days surviving.  I don't know what it means to live.  I don't know what it means to try and be happy.  Just too busy existing most days.

But oh, do I fake it well.  I hate spreading negativity and melancholy bullshit.  So, 99.8% of the population never ever gets to see the perpetual misery.  It's fine, it's all fine.  Why, because it can be and has been worse.

Almost every person I have let in has decimated a little part of me.  Now I keep them all out.  Its lonely, its safe.  I have to wonder if everyone feels this way.  If they don't, how do they do it?  What is normal?  Meh, no sense asking, I will never understand normal, therefore I dont know how to get there.

If you only want that which is unattainable, then you cant be hurt or disappointed about not getting it, because you knew it from the very beginning.  Painful, but safe.  Its a long, unending, nagging pain.  But its not brutal.

Yes, so I resolve to suffer through another 366 days.  Such is my life.  Its not all bad, I enjoy parts, have fun, smile a lot, revel in the little things.  But the core is hollow.  Maybe next life Ill do it better eh?